A while back, someone tacked the phrase “not that you care” onto the end of a sentence. I was momentarily taken aback and a bit confused as well and quickly responded with some version of “why would you say that?” and “I do care.”
Later, I dwelled upon the moment, attempting to tease out meaning, curious as to what the meta messages might be. Possibilities, with a bit of help from ChatGPT, below:
- Pre-emptive self-protection. If they fear being ignored or rejected, they downplay their own need: “I’ll act like it doesn’t matter before you show me it doesn’t.”
- Sarcasm / barb. A pointed dig implying you should care and don’t. It assigns blame and vents frustration.
- Bid for connection in disguise. A test: “Do you actually care?” If you rush to reassure, they’ve learned something about you.
- Power move. Frames the listener as indifferent, putting the speaker one-up morally (“I’m the caring one here”).
- Hedge to reduce imposition. Softer, less barbed version: “This may not matter to you.” It lowers the social cost of sharing.
- Dry humor / voice. Sometimes it’s just sardonic tone.
The comment is less about information and more about relationship management; an attempt at emotional self-protection perhaps, however it runs the risk of the listener feeling attacked, accused of indifference and, especially if the EBA (Emotional Bank Account) is low, can escalate tension, even if all the speaker hoped to do was pre-emptively protect themselves.
A cleaner version: “I’m not sure this is on your radar, but it matters to me.” Good communication takes courage at times and it always helps to name the dynamic.
Closing Quotes:
“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.” – Peter Drucker, 1909-2005
“Real communication happens when people feel safe enough to be vulnerable.” – Jean Vanier, 1928-2009
“When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.” – Fred Rogers, 1928-2003
“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” – Criss Jami on Authentic Connection
“Meta-messages are conveyed both intentionally and unwillingly with the tone of voice and body language, and they give information about how words should be interpreted.” – The Wright Initiative
As always, I share what I most want and need to learn. – Nathan S. Collier
Note: Every effort has been made to properly source any 3rd person material. I am, however, a voracious reader. If anyone finds any unattributed material, pls let me know asap and I will be delighted to give credit where credit is due.
“All intelligent thoughts have already been thought; what is necessary is only to try to think them again.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1749-1832
